My Breakdown

Being a mom is hard, I mean really hard. I am a new mom, well not brand new Caleb is 10 months old and I won't lie I've had it pretty easy. Caleb started sleeping through the night at 2.5 months, he's never really cried unless he was hungry, he sleeps great, and adapts really well to change. We moved him from our bed to his crib without any hassle and now 2 weeks later he's in his own room and doing great! But just becasue I have an awesome kid doesn't mean I have it easy.

I gave up on breastfeeding after 3 days, I know it's pathetic I could have tried harder and I didn't, so now every time I read about other breastfeeding mamas and there success I feel like a piece of crap. When I feel like that I don't want to cook or clean, I don't even want to play with Caleb and that hurts. I love my son and I wish I could play with him but I just can't mentally get myself to want to. I want to keep the house clean and have supper ready for Steven when he gets home, but again I can't get myself to do it and it causes problems between us. I don't remember a day when we didn't get into fights or when we just cuddled on the couch to watch TV together. I feel like I know my families problems are becasue of me, my laziness and my attitude, if I could get off the couch and clean I would be happier. If I could crawl around on the floor chasing Caleb and play follow the leader, I would be happier. Just thinking about doing those things brings a smile to my face. I want to do those things, but I just can't. I know that sounds weird, but as much as I really want to do those things I can't.

Steven has told me that I need to go talk to someone, maybe they can help me work through my problems. I know it's the right thing to do, but I didn't want to admit that I couldn't handle my new life. I thought I would be the perfect wife and mom, keep the house clean and tidy, play with Caleb and always have supper ready when Steven got home, and maybe bake a few cookies and cakes in between. It was always my dream to be a stay at home mom, so it's not like this life was just thrown at me, I wanted it, I just didn't know that it wouldn't be what I dreamed of. Trying to get everything done is impossible! I applaud any one who can do it, your my hero. Anyway, I am going to see about getting in to see someone, I have some issues that I think if I got off my chest will help me to become a happier person. I don't expect to wake up one morning and be a Stepford wife, not that I want to be lol, I know it will take time and patience and I am finally ready to admit that I need this, not just for me, but for my family.